Oldies but Goodies ....

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zip was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Jim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns...'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

JokesBoots or HatsBoots or Hats An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'Life ExplainedLife Explained God created the dog and said:Giving Up WineGiving Up Wine I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.Grammar LessonGrammar Lesson On his 63rd birthday, Tom got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living nearby who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. Puns AplentyPuns Aplenty I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.Top 10 PunsTop 10 Puns THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:Important MessageImportant Message From the CDC The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).Confucius SaysConfucius Says Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.29 Smile LinesTWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE - 29 Smile Lines 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.New Husband StoreA Store That Sells New Husbands - the New Husband Store A store that sells NEW HUSBANDS has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.Lucky FrogLucky Frog A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.Never Too OldNever Too Old Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.My NeedsMy Needs. Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.How to Clean the ToiletHow to Clean the Toilet 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.Snow Shovelers DiaryDiary of a Snow Shoveler December 8 It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window for hours watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!!!Old is WhenOLD IS WHEN 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.Bubba the GreeterBubba the Greeter Interview A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.Signs of MenopauseSigns of Menopause 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.PonderismsPonderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.Test Your MemoryTest Your Memory This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. It will help if you are over 60! This one will be difficult for the younger set.New Stock Market TermsNew Stock Market TermsWomen DriversThis morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.Halloween StoryA man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: Bump. Bump. BumpDysfunctional Cards(Cover) Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?AmbiguitiesTHOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY....( as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)Age CalculatorCalculate your age by dinner and restaurant math. This is pretty neat.Cna yuo raed tihsCna yuo raed tihs? Only 55 people out of 100 can. Smart AnswersSmart Answers: the ability to respond with a quick retort.Bride Groom BroomTwo brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married...HAPPY HALLOWEENQ: How do you make a witch stew? A: Keep her waiting for hours. And other good ones....The Mustard StoryI love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.....Extreme RedneckYou know you're an EXTREME Redneck when...COLONOSCOPIESColonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous......53 Years AgoComments Made in the Year 1955! That's only 53 years ago!Kool Kats KuizOK, all you Kool Kats and Slick Chicks, let's see how Kool you really are....take the Kool Kat Kuiz!Best Blonde JokeA blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."Under 30If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!Dog PeevesTen "Pet" Peeves that Dogs Have About HumansKentucky CutFinally, overalls that fit and 29 new ways to tell if you're a red-neck.Healthy InsanityTo Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity, try one of these tips.Disturbed CarolsChristmas Carols for the Mentally Disturbed...Blond WashingtonThis was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building.Tech 4 Country FolksSee what technology terms really mean.Bus GasWhat happens when you have gas while riding the bus?Cold MinnesotaOn this very cold day in Minnesota, you may enjoy this -- Minnesotans are tough!!Boomer MusicMusic artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers including:Word PuzzleI am only sending this to my smart friends. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.Flat TireYesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.Medical TestBecause I want you to get checked out to make sure you're healthy and will be around longer...Importance of WalkingI have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...and other words of wisdom.5 LessonsFive (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people. Not really a joke but certainly entertaining and educational!Midwest LivingIf You Grew Up in the Midwest , then... You know how to polka, but never tried it sober. And other pearls of wisdom.Vocabulary LessonHere's your vocabulary lesson for today 'Liquidity'No JokeThis isn't a joke - it's a serious warning. People sure stay busy trying to cheat us, don't they? RetirementWhy I like retirement.Conversion TablesVery Interesting Conversion Tables such as; The Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter equals Eskimo Pi and 25 more conversions.APHORISMAPHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE Men are just Happier PeopleMen are happier because they think differently. Right....Life in the 1500sRead how some of our everyday phrases and traditions came about - you will be amazed....Legal System at its BestACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY Easter Bunny AccidentA man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.Universal LawsThings Mother Taught UsBad EconomyWork AlertThis one's REALLY scary. I hope you are all being safe! : ) The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.Times UpAn old Italian Mafia Don is dying, and he called his grandson to his bed.Inner PeaceThis one has a bite to it.One LinersYou Are HIREDRecently received in HR was the following (be sure to read the company response below):And then the fight startedGreat Blonde JokeOxymoron FunLike this one?Larry the cable guy adagesSerious Questions to PonderMore Bad PunsAnd you thought you heard them all...Golfing TruthsRumblings of a Retired MindPearls of Wisdom from MenTruismsTwenty-Nine Lines to Make You SmileFunny Cartoon collectionFun Facts to Make You LaughA fun list of interesting factoids - not sure they are all true (call me a skeptic) - but it's fun to read 'em anyway.Oldies but GoodiesParaprosdokian sentencesTruths for Mature HumansPuns for educated mindsSigns Around Town - SmileWhy? Why? Why?Paraprosdokian PhrasesEngineering 101Where To RetireHow do youThe Philosophy of AmbiguityBest ComebacksConfucius did NOT sayAdult TruthsMore OnelinersScientific ConversionsMore PonderismsNew Book on Golf LessonsPARAPROSDOKIANSDoo Wop TestPuns for Twisted MindsAphorismsBubba's Laws of GolfNew Words