PARAPROSDOKIANS
I had to look
up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the
latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used
in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a
type of paraprosdokian.
Enjoy! These are funny.
1.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you
with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still
on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in
public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is
left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and
then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal
from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is
where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that
says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming
you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the
fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that
way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in
such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when
you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of
lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the
Fire Department usually uses water.
31. I want to
die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
32. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
33. Why is it
one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
34. Some people
are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
35. Dolphins are
so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them
fish.
36. A bank is a
place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
37. I saw a
woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
38. Why does
someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
39. Why do
Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
40. The voices
in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
41. Always
borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
42. I discovered
I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
43. Some cause
happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
44. Some people
hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
45. A bus is a
vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
46. If you are
supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
47. Change is inevitable, except from a
vending machine.