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1. We wanted to create something that was fun - particularly because we could build this together.
   
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2. Complete the registration form.
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Only in America ......... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

---

Only in America ........ do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

EVER WONDER .....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

_______________________

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Resimay 
To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. 

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.. 

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, 
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies. 

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.   

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, 

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. 

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN   

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bryan , 

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.. 

See you Monday.....

Be careful.  This one has a bite to it.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 

 
.....Then You Are  Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual

This one's REALLY scary.  I hope you are all being safe!   :  )

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should Immediately leave the premises and do the following:

1. Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or all of the antidotes:
   -Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
   -Complete Health and Mind Purging Anti Guilt Negating Enzyme (CHAMPAGNE)
   -Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
2. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life!

I love this and I'm sure all of us have heard and maybe used many of the things! 

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
 
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
 
The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
 
The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
 
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

 

NICKNAMES

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

People sure stay busy trying to cheat us, don't they?

 

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

You hear someone use the word 'uff-da' and you don't break into uncontrolled laughter.

You or someone you know was a 'Dairy Princess' at the county fair.

You know that 'combine' is a noun.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.

Football schedules, hunting season, and harvest, are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girl friend shining for deer.

There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

You have driven your car on the lake.

Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your Midwestern friends!!!!!

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Walking can add minutes to your life.  This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
    
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
    
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
    
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
    
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound.  Apparently you have to go there.
    
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
    
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, she looks good doesn't she."
    
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
    
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ..... just getting over the hill.
    
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it. (THIS IS MY FAVORITE!!!)

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine!
    
You could walk this over to your friends, but just e-mail it to them!

On this very cold day in Minnesota, you may enjoy this -- Minnesotans are tough!!

 --------------------------------------------------
 '4'
 Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
 
 --------------------------------------------------
 '5'
 Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
 Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
 
 --------------------------------------------------
 '6'
 The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
 You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
 
 --------------------------------------------------
 '7'
 Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
 
 --------------------------------------------------
 '8'
 Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
 
 --------------------------------------------------
 '9'
 Dog sweaters. Hello-oo?
 Haven't you noticed the fur?
 
--------------------------------------------------
 '10'
 How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
 Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
 
 --------------------------------------------------
 Now lay off me on some of these things.
 We both know who's boss here!
 You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
 
 EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
 A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
 CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears With  their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing  up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.

Uphill...  barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it And how easy they've  got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of  today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would  usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600 with games Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK For cartoons, you spoiled Little brat!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that?

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..........." he said with a deep sigh

(scroll down)

(Keep going)














 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

1. When did 'Little Suzie' finally wake up?                               
a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
            
2. 'Rock Around The Clock' was used in what movie?
a) Rebel Without A Cause
b) Blackboard Jungle
c) The Wild Ones

3. What's missing? __________ Baby, Earth __________, __________On My Shoulder
a) Angel
b) Head

4. 'I found my thrill...' where?
a) Kansas City
b) Heartbreak Hotel
c) Blueberry Hill

5. 'Please turn on your magic beam, __________ bring me a dream'
a) Mr Sandman
b) Earth Angel
c) Dream Lover

6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
a) Chancellor
b) RCA
c) Sun

7. He asked, 'Why's everybody always pick in' on me?' Who was he?
a) Bad Bad Leroy Brown
b) Charlie Brown
c) Buster Brown

8. Bobby Darin's 'Mack The Knife', the one with the knife was named:
a) MacHeath
b) MacCloud
c) MacNamara

9. Name the song with 'A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom'?
a) Good Golly Miss Molly
b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
c) Tutti Fruitti

10. Who is generally given credit for the term 'Rock And Roll'?
a) Dick Clark
b) Wolfman Jack
c) Alan Freed

11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher.
a) Little Richard
b) Frankie Lymon
c) Tony Orlando

12. Paul Anka's 'Puppy Love' is written to what star?
a) Brenda Lee
b) Connie Francis
c) Annette Funicello

13. The Everly Brothers are..
a) Pete and Dick
b) Don and Phil
c) Bob and Bill

14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
a) Jiles P. Richardson
b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
c) Marion Michael Morrison

15. In 1959, Berry Gordy Jr. started a small record company called...
a) Decca
b) Cameo
c) Motown

16. Edd Bynnes had a hit with 'Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb ...' What TV show was he on?
a) 77 Sunset Strip
b) Hawaiian Eye
c) Surfside Six

17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
a) Carol Lynley
b) Sandra Dee
c) Natalie Wood

18. They were a one hit wonder with 'Book Of Love .'
a) The Penguins
b) The Monotones
c) The Moonglows

Answers are below---no peeking!

Keep Going.....


















ANSWERS:

1. c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. b) Blackboard Jungle
3. a) Angel
4. c) Blueberry Hill
5. a) Mr. Sandman
6. c) Sun
7. b) Charlie Brown
8. a) MacHeath
9. c) Tutti Fruitti
10. c) Alan Freed
11. a) Little Richard
12. c) Annette Funicello
13. b) Don and Phil
14. a) Jiles P. Richardson
15. c) Motown
16. a) 77 Sunset Strip
17. b) Sandra Dee
18 b) The Monotones
 
If you forward to others, put your score in the subject area.

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.  A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.  Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible.  Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.  Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.  They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
 
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

If you know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!
Be sure and send it to your kids and grandkids

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous......

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies:


1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
 
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
 
4. 'Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?'
 
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
 
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
 
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
 
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
 
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
 
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
 
12. 'How far up did you go?   I now have a sore throat.'
 
       And the best one of all..
 
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up  here.

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

I love mustard. As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard 'Poupon.'

Get a calculator ready! 

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but your waiter may know!

YOUR AGE BY DINNER & RESTAURANT MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than 1 but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758...

If you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

THIS IS THE COOL PART...

The first digit of this was your original number. (i.e., How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are....

YOUR AGE!  --- Oh YES, it is!

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2008) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY....( as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life ...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) -  That you're not here to ruin it for me.
 
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) -  Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
 
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) -  Someone other than you.
 
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) -  Almost lifelike!
 
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) -  Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
 
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) -  What do you say we stop?
 
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) -  It's almost like you're still here.
 
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) -  Did you ever find out who the father was?
 
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) -  I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
 
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your Birthday...
(Inside card) -  So we're having you put to sleep.
 
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!...
(inside card) -  Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas and Kentucky

 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) -  What was I thinking?
 
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) -  Too bad no one likes your husband.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds. When I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned big Jim and the twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!

• I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
• Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• Never take life seriously.  Nobody gets out alive anyway...
• Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?'
• Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'
• If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
• Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all  over?
• If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
  

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood.

Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."  Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or
my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says 'I've lost my electron.'  The other says 'Are you sure?'  The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal:  transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  'But why?', they asked as they moved off.  'Because,' he said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally...There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
• The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a chiropodist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• A calendar's days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: a jab well done.

When lightning flashes, this is NOT what you want to see. 

 

Where does this photo come from?

Puerto Rico?

Hawaii?

Virgin Islands?

Florida?

Tahiti?

Fiji?

Acapulco?

Cancun?

Keep going for the answer...

Keep going....

Keep Going!

It's POLAND!!!!!

Holy Kielbasa!

What did you think? I only send clean e-mails....

- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995.

I've always wondered why the last generation identified was named "Y" - until I saw this cartoon.... 

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?

When you call the front desk and say 'I gotta leak in my sink,' the clerk replies, 'Go ahead.'

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.