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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline. (Everyone having a high forehead appreciates this concept.)

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men 

These fit my game perfectly!

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow   Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.

Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.

It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backward.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer has ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.

Never teach golf to your wife.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right, for right-handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par (except for Tiger Woods).

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it's probably because you're not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can't learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.

A SHORT,  POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH .  

See how many of the 30 you remember.
      
  Don't cheat, now  ! 

PARAPROSDOKIANS

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." 
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. 

Enjoy! These are funny.  

     1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

    2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list. 

    3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

    4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 

    5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

    6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 

    7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

    8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

    9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 

    10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. 

    11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 

    12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' 

    13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

    14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

    15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

    16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 

    17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

    18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

    19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

    20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

    21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
 
    22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
    23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

    24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
    25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
    26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 

    27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 

    28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were. 

    29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 

    30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

    31. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

   32. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    33. Why is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    34. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    35. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

    36. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

    37. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

    38. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    39. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

    40. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

    41. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

    42. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

    43. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

    44. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

    45. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

    46. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

   47. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Table of Contents:

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt...

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when you Hit a Titleist from the Tee.

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker.

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank.

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Course Marshall the Finger.

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings.

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap "Management".

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 AM.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6-Hour Round.

Chapter  10 - When Does a Divot Become Classified as Sod?

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water.

Chapter  12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care that You Birdied the 5th Hole.

Chapter 13 - Using Curse Words Creatively to Control Ball Flight.

Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome.

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five Off the Tee.

Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponents.

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey-Three-Putt.

Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever.

Chapter 19 - Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique.

Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

and finally the last Chapter!   

Chapter  21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $6 a Beer From the Cart Girl and Give Her a $4 Tip, but will balk at $4 a Beer at the 19th Hole and then Stiff the bald Bartender.

1.            Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2.            2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3.            1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4.            Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5.            Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6.            Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7.            16.5 feet in theTwilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8.            Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9.            1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10.       Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11.       Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12.       453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13.       1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14.       2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15.       365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16.       2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17.       52 cards = 1 decacards

18.       1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19.       1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20.       1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21.       1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22.       10 rations = 1 decoration

23.       100 rations = 1 C-ration

24.       2 monograms = 1 diagram

25.       4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26.       2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
 
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
 
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
 
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
 
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
 
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
 
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
 
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
 
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
 
21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
 
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
 
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
 
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crack up

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ..
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"  

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight.

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

'What are my choices?' John asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect

Unique Up On It.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

-   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

-   Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 

-   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 

-   I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong. 

-   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 

-   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

-   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 

-   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 

-   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station… 

-   I thought I wanted a career.  It turns out I just wanted pay checks. 

-  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 

-  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "Doctor". 

-   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 

-  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 

-   You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

-  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 

-  Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

-  Hospitality:  making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were. 

-  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

-  Some cause happiness wherever they go: Others whenever they go. 

-  There's a fine line between cuddling, and holding someone down so they can't get away. 

-  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 

-  I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. 

-  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 

-  You're never too old to learn something stupid. 

-  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 

-   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 

-  Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 

-  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are running after it as when you are in it. 

-  If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?  

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?  

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent
a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

A fun list of interesting factoids - not sure they are all true (call me a skeptic) - but it's fun to read 'em anyway.

Only in America ......... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

---

Only in America ........ do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

EVER WONDER .....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

_______________________

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Resimay 
To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. 

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.. 

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, 
Pepole really seam to respond
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies. 

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.   

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, 

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. 

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN   

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bryan , 

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.. 

See you Monday.....

Be careful.  This one has a bite to it.

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, 

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 

 
.....Then You Are  Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual

This one's REALLY scary.  I hope you are all being safe!   :  )

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should Immediately leave the premises and do the following:

1. Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or all of the antidotes:
   -Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
   -Complete Health and Mind Purging Anti Guilt Negating Enzyme (CHAMPAGNE)
   -Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
2. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life!

I love this and I'm sure all of us have heard and maybe used many of the things!